You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
