I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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