so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.