At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
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Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
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I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.