When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company