....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
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