Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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