I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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