well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
