I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
