i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Even my vagina gasped.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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