i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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