I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
