her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
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