I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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