I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
