Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
