Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
