She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
