so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
