Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
There's even glitter on my cock...
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