Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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