24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
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He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
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Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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