you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
