Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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