Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
