We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
