Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
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He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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