For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
