Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
