Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
