he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
True college students do jello shots in the library
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