Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
