My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
