You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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