Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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