Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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