you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
