its not stalking. its research.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
