It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Someone came in the potted fern
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
