I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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