im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
