There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
