Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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