i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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