I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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