so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
