I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
