that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I touched a dick in church today
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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