Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
