Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just found puke in my bra..
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Terrible idea I love it
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
