Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
