i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
