I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
