my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
