what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
