Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
