i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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