Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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