Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
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Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
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What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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