The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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