Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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