in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
