we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Can i not drive my cunt home
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
